Video Game Collecting - When Does It End

Usually I would write type something funny to go with this post but I'm off my meds, pissed, and slightly suicidal. I'm really pissed because of the one annoying fucker who keep giving me the thumbs down for my hard work.

I put 100% in everything I do for my channel, yet there's always someone calling me "dumb" or some other bullshit. I didn't put in hours of work to read some bullshit in the comments section. It drives me crazy. it's like why the fuck do I fucking bother.

I seriously feel like taking my channel down permanently. No one is paying me to make videos. I do it for free because I want to and for a while people would subscribe to me and would post encouraging words to keep me going. I left for a year due to a lawsuit that I won't talk about right now. during that time I turned everything off including my youtube channel and twitter. I come beck and I lose almost a thousand subs. It's like geez, why the fuck did I bother turning anything back on.

It's getting hard for me to make shit anymore because I am a stay at home dad, a major responsibility that I was reluctant to go through because I already had a kid and she's already twenty years old. Granted I wasn't there like I wanted to be but I had some hand in her upbringing none the less. Now I'm starting all over again and during a pandemic no less. It's fucking nerve racking to say the least. I gotta be a fucking germaphobe for my son's sake; something that I'm not really used to, but it's gotta be done so fuck it. wash my fucking hands til they're so dry they feel like zombie hands. Fuck my life.

I'm getting the impression that no body wants to watch me anymore. Maybe I do suck and I failed as a youtuber. it's just another title in the list of failures.

Do any of you know what's it's like to wake up every morning, realizing that you failed at EVERYTHING that you attempted to do in your life? I do and it hurts. If I had a gun, I would've shot myself already. Why because I'm a fucking loser/ Everyone on youtube sees it because if I was good at what I did, I would be up there with Casey Neighstat making videos, and getting the love I always thought I deserve.

But No

I don't deserve shit because I aint shit. I know what your thinking: Max is just throwing a pitty party because he just wants attention. Well fuck you for even having that thought in your little brain because I write this shit in my journal every fucking day and now I'm making it public because fuck it. no one fucking care. Hell no one watches my shit, so why is anyone every gonna read this?

I should be up there with the greats, but that's not possible. I'm not supposed to succeed in life. my place is a bottom feeder. If there is a God, he's stopping me from being up there with the greats. I've had people tell me I belong in Hollywood. The problem is Hollywood would never want me.

When? When will I ever get to be loved by you all? 

Have You Seen This YouTuber?

     So It's been almost a week since I shut my YouTube channel down, and it has depressed me to the point of suicide. it's that point that makes me take a step back and think "What the fuck am I doing with my life?" Have I consumed myself with so much social media that I can't truly live without it, like I was just another battery for the Matrix, disregarding my physical and metal health for the sake of getting internet notoriety? What have I become of myself, indulging those who would ignore the art of film making for those with less talent, who'd rather think a cell phone is just as good as a real camera (it's not, by the way).

I was on YouTube for over ten years. At first I felt it was the back door to Hollywood. Unfortunately millions feel the same way, doing everything they can in their videos as way of saying "HEY! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" It's pathetic. I can say it's pathetic because I was one of those poor, unfortunate souls trying my hardest to get noticed in a sea of drama queens in dire need of a real life outside of the millions of servers servers that imprison our minds (Yes, I can see how hypocritical I am being, using a keyboard and mouse to pour my heart out on Blogger, but how the fuck else are any of you gonna listen?)?

I mainly left YouTube for legal reasons, but now that I'm seeing my subscriber count drop faster than a roller coaster ride at Magic Mountain, I'm starting to find more than one reason; an overall evaluation if you will; one that will determine whether or not I should even bother to rejoin the digital rat-race of the video sharing juggernaut.

Appreciation: If you were paying any attention to my previous paragraphs, you already know that I love the art of film making, using real cameras to tell a story as opposed to using something like a cell phone. Yes, newer cell phones like the iPhone X can really help you get the shot, but to me the cell phone is just a tool... for calling people. Once you start getting into frame rates, proper exposure, depth of field, and all the other things that help you paint a better picture, you'll find that NOTHING else can substitute for a good camera. For younger people, I can understand them using the phone at first because it's all they can afford and phones do have okay auto settings, but (hopefully) as they start to grow in their film making skills, they will see their phone is inadequate and will want upgrade to either a point-and-shoot or perhaps a cheap DSLR or Mirrorless Micro 4/3 camera. If you were to look back at my tenure on YouTube you can see an evolution of camera quality as well as skills. I started out with Canon GL1 that I was very fortunate to get from a swap meet for $20; from there I moved up to Canon Vixia HF20, to the Sony A33 (my first DSLR); I've even used the Blackmagic Pocket Cinema Cammera. Now I'm using the 1-2 combo of my Canon 5D Mark II and Canon XC10 (my first 4K camera). Unfortunately I don't see much growth from YouTubers these days, so there's a complete lack of appreciation for real film making. These days a person just puts a camera in front of their face, hit the record button, and just ramble until their throat is dry. In post they take the footage and butcher the shit out of it, hoping they can get something that makes sense and upload it with a picture that grabs your attention but has nothing to do with the uploaded content. There's no real story to tell and the stories they try to tell are the ones you don't really want to sit through. 

Acknowledgement: IF YOU WANT YOUR WORK TO BE APPRECIATED? DON'T PRESENT IT ON YOUTUBE! This is a hard pill to swallow, even for me and I'm the one writing this shit. My starting years on YouTube have been no picnic. The Ghetto Gamers was the first show I produced along with my long-time friend Phillip, who had the most video game related material than anyone I knew. I wanted to make videos like AVGN and Irate Gamer, but I didn't want to be carbon copy; I wanted to be different. I knew with my skills as a top-tier film student I could make something that was my own and still have some kind of a wow factor... or at least I thought. Our Ghetto Gamer videos were not always easy to make but when we made them, we were proud of them, but when we uploaded them we found out that only we (and maybe handful of others) appreciated them. We encountered haters who talked down of our hours of hard work as if we didn't spend any time on them at all. The disrespect that we got sometimes were staggering. We did however got the admiration of some of the heavy hitters within YouTube's gaming community like Gamester81, Happy Console Gamer, and Retrogamer3 to name a few. The fact that we were able to turn their heads was very humbling. I just wished the rest of the community felt the same way. After all the work that we put in making the few episodes of Ghetto Gamers, we were only able to get 100 subscribers. I started out on my own in 2011 with a new channel because I wanted to do my own thing and not carry with me any kind of stigma from my previous channel. Unfortunately I didn't know that I was still in process of trying to find my own niche; my own identity. After many revisions of myself, I decided to just be me; no gimmicks and no bullshit. My subscriber count began to have much more growth but it was very slow and at times very steady like a weight loss plateau; there was sometimes no growth at all. I felt like I put everything that I have into my channel and I wasn't getting any recognition. Only a few die hard followers would watch me and that was it. In 2014 I walked into a video game store hoping to replace my goto store Luna Games; it turned out to be the worst video game store I ever had the displeasure of walking into, GameRave. I recorded the moment on my iPhone 5c and uploaded it onto YouTube. In 2016 the video barely began to get noticed and it started to become viral. People wanted to see more, so I made more... with my damn cell phone. I decided to give these series of videos a name, so I came up with Game Rescue, a play on Bar Rescue, another show that shows how bad a business can be. Game Rescue seemed to be the only thing anybody wanted to watch from me and they were the worst videos I ever made. I couldn't stand them. I hated the fact that people would rather watch me rip a bad game store than to watch my retrospectives, reviews, and vlogs which had way more production value than these dumb cell phone videos. Speaking of value let's talk about...

Money: YouTube is NOT a good way to support yourself. The return will never replace the time, effort, and capital that you've invested into your channel. Sure, you can argue that there are plenty of successful YouTubers out there like Casey Neistat and Jon Olson, but look at were they started from. Casey Neistat had produced his own show on HBO and Jon Olson is a champion Skier. They had a successful past with fans who supported them before they came over to YouTube. Gamester81 has been around just as long as I have and makes pretty good money off YouTube's ad revenue, but that's nowhere near enough to support a family. Thankfully Gamester81 had a successful career before and now is involved in retro video game development. I have spent a few thousand dollars on my set up; that's counting cameras, lighting, games, computers for editing and steam; you get the idea. It's easy for anyone to say "I would've bought all that before YouTube", but you're only fooling yourself. EVERYTHING THAT YOU USE IN YOUR VIDEOS ARE PART OF AN INVESTMENT, AND BECAUSE OF THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE RED (If you don't know what "Red" or Investments mean, go read a fucking Wall Street Journal). Lack of viable income from ad revenue is why you always hear about it in countless videos from your favorite YouTubers, followed by a rant about Dollar Shave Club or Blue Apron, and top it off with a call to action rant reminding you to go to their Patreon and support them for a dollar or more a month. YouTube is a good platform for marketing and promotion and if done right you can make it your full time job, but what about the long run? Are you living in the here and now, or do you have some kind of retirement plan? What about taxes, or rent and bills? Are they too much that you can't set anything aside for later or do you think you can keep producing videos til you die? The goal of living this rat race we know of as "life" is to work as much as you can so you can hopefully enjoy your golden years without having to continuously break your back, living paycheck to paycheck. I once watched an interview with Method Man, where he was talking about slowing moving away from the Hip-hop game and onto film and television acting. Someone close to him asked "Do you see yourself rapping on stage at 50 years old"? Meth's reply was simply "No". There's a circle of life when comes to entertainment; you take someone's spot, make it own for awhile, and humbly let the younger guy take over because he or she is coming through whether you like it or not. Believe it or not YouTube is becoming a "Young Man's Game" where younger guys are gonna appeal more and veterans will have no choice but to step aside hoping that they will have some kind of cult following. Hopefully the vets will have saved their pennies because before they know it their view count will slow down, drying up their revenue. Bottom line: You can't do YouTube forever. You either evolve and rise or stay stagnant and fall.

I applaud you if you're still reading this because my conclusion may be surprising for me as it is for you. You grammar Nazis already guessed by now, but for those who didn't, I don't do multiple drafts. 

Anyways, as I'm typing my thoughts out (all well channeled by the assistance of Depikote and Lexipro), I'm beginning to think that perhaps YouTube may no longer be for me or perhaps I need to explore other interests and building a strong following before coming back to YouTube. I AM A STORY TELLER. I've always felt that if I can tell a good story visually, people will appreciate me more, but there are other ways for me to tell a story. A long time ago, before the advent of the motion picture, people read books from story tellers like H.G. Wells, who created imaginative page-turners that helped inspire real imagination; not like the visual aids that we have been spoiled by. (Here's where my beliefs kick in people). I believe there is a God and that this being, this creator drives you to a calling. About a year and a half ago, I entered a contest hosted by Nerdist.com and Inkshares; their plan was to find the next Ernest Cline, the author of Ready Player One; a person who can perfectly tell a story, incorporating conventional genres like Drama, Comedy, or Science Fiction with Video Games. I am a High School drop-out who later got a GED, so I know my writing skill are somewhat embarrassing; I said to myself "Fuck it" and wrote a chapter of a screenplay that has been saved in my head since my teenage years for a movie I thought I'll never make, Kombo Breaker. I published the chapter on Inkshare, thinking to myself "I may not get any recognition for this, but at least I gave it a shot"; it was enough to make me sleep good at night as opposed to living another "What if" scenario. I was driving home from Comic-Con 2016 depressed yet satisfied; with every passing year Comic-Con has been less and less for people in my age rang and more for children, which is a good thing because It forces guys like me to grow up and let the kids have fun, meeting people who share their interest, which in turn build friendships, and to just geek out. In other words: I've built my memories, now it's time for the next generation to build theirs. During this thoughtful drive, my twitter began to blow up with countless congratulations from various authors who were also involved in the Inkshares / Nerdist contest. I thought "this is a joke, right"? According to the official contest rules, a submission has to reach a certain preorder goal; I was nowhere close to achieving it in time, yet the judges loved my chapter so much that they amended their own rules and picked me as one of three winners. Now if this book get published it will part of the Nerdist Collection and it can one day be sold for movie rights. Now I got a major problem: I've never written a book before. I feel like I got the entire plot mapped out, so now all I got to do is write the damn thing. The good news is that my wife is a school teacher with a masters degree in liberal studies, so she knows her stuff when it comes to English Literature; she even edited the first chapter for me.

Remember when I said I was a God believer? I believe I've been failing with all my other ventures and even jobs because God maybe forcing me to go towards being an author, my true calling. Of course it could all be coincidence, but if this book thing works out, than I can say it was a higher power at work. Either way I'm gonna stop YouTube for now and take the advice of one Trent Reznor: "STOP FUCKING AROUND".

Kombo Breaker is gonna get done.

Click here to read the first chapter of KOMBO BREAKER

Free writing shit.

Hey guys,

I just feel like ranting for a while so bare with me and enjoy the ramblings.

TODAY WAS A TOTAL FUCKING BUST!

I got up this morning, thinking to myself "yeah. It's gonna be a good day. gonna drop my wife off at work, I'm gonna head to Kobey's Swapmeet with my camera gear, get a bunch of great shots, and buy some good shit." I drop off the wife as planned, go to the swapmeet as planned, got my camera out as planned, but I get in and there's nothing worth shooting, so that last plan goes right out of the fucking window. At least I didn't go empty-handed; got an OG Xbox controller and a 360 controller for about $12. Now that I'm thinking about it, I might have short-changed the guy $2. Oh well. he didn't tell me anything as I walked away with the stuff. It is what it is. Now I'm at a Starbucks waiting for 11:00 AM to roll around, so I can pick up some ticket to do a 5K run/walk with wife tomorrow night. should be fun. Yes, I exercise every now and then. shocker huh? I was getting ready to do some editing on my final 2014 comic con video when I noticed that I forgot my fucking headphones. Well, my day is just getting started. Later I gotta pick up the wife, go get my paycheck(s) if I have any, and hopefully watch a good movie tonight. Wife already saw 50 Shades of Shit and I'm not interested in sitting through it in a movie theater with perverts who making fapping noises and moans. Too bad Chappie's not out yet. I really want to check that out. I support anything Neil Blomnkamp does (I know I botched the name. get over it). hopefully Chappie blows up and Fox will pay Neil a shit load of cash to do his version of Alien, a franchise that can benefit from a fresh perspective. If nothing is playing I could at least take wife to a vegan restaurant. No she's not a vegam (thank God), but she makes a point to not eat any meat on Fridays, and no she's not a Catholic (Too bad). I feel I should rant on religion but I'm too lazy right now and I want to do something other than freewrite at this moment, but what the fuck to do for the next couple of hours with a laptop and no headphones? I don't know, but I'm gonna figure it out before I lose my fucking head.

Until next time, stay true. Stay you.
Okay, I'm done now. you can stop reading.

Binary Domain (XBOX) 360/The Adventures of Bayou Billy (NES)

I know what you're thinking: "Well it's about f***ing time MaX; we almost gave up on you". As you can see in the about video, I've made a few changes. Please check it out and let me know what you think.

Also...

I just got Ninja Gaiden 3 from http://gotgame.com/ not only will I be doing a review, but it will also be part of a new series I'm working on called first impressions; I hope you stay tuned for that, so until then...

GAME ON