Video Game Collecting - When Does It End

Usually I would write type something funny to go with this post but I'm off my meds, pissed, and slightly suicidal. I'm really pissed because of the one annoying fucker who keep giving me the thumbs down for my hard work.

I put 100% in everything I do for my channel, yet there's always someone calling me "dumb" or some other bullshit. I didn't put in hours of work to read some bullshit in the comments section. It drives me crazy. it's like why the fuck do I fucking bother.

I seriously feel like taking my channel down permanently. No one is paying me to make videos. I do it for free because I want to and for a while people would subscribe to me and would post encouraging words to keep me going. I left for a year due to a lawsuit that I won't talk about right now. during that time I turned everything off including my youtube channel and twitter. I come beck and I lose almost a thousand subs. It's like geez, why the fuck did I bother turning anything back on.

It's getting hard for me to make shit anymore because I am a stay at home dad, a major responsibility that I was reluctant to go through because I already had a kid and she's already twenty years old. Granted I wasn't there like I wanted to be but I had some hand in her upbringing none the less. Now I'm starting all over again and during a pandemic no less. It's fucking nerve racking to say the least. I gotta be a fucking germaphobe for my son's sake; something that I'm not really used to, but it's gotta be done so fuck it. wash my fucking hands til they're so dry they feel like zombie hands. Fuck my life.

I'm getting the impression that no body wants to watch me anymore. Maybe I do suck and I failed as a youtuber. it's just another title in the list of failures.

Do any of you know what's it's like to wake up every morning, realizing that you failed at EVERYTHING that you attempted to do in your life? I do and it hurts. If I had a gun, I would've shot myself already. Why because I'm a fucking loser/ Everyone on youtube sees it because if I was good at what I did, I would be up there with Casey Neighstat making videos, and getting the love I always thought I deserve.

But No

I don't deserve shit because I aint shit. I know what your thinking: Max is just throwing a pitty party because he just wants attention. Well fuck you for even having that thought in your little brain because I write this shit in my journal every fucking day and now I'm making it public because fuck it. no one fucking care. Hell no one watches my shit, so why is anyone every gonna read this?

I should be up there with the greats, but that's not possible. I'm not supposed to succeed in life. my place is a bottom feeder. If there is a God, he's stopping me from being up there with the greats. I've had people tell me I belong in Hollywood. The problem is Hollywood would never want me.

When? When will I ever get to be loved by you all?